Still Sober

Hello my name is Lizz and I'm a part-time alcoholic. A stormy weather drinker. Any port in a storm.

It's been over a month and I'm still not drinking. It's still novel to me. It's quite amazing how drinking used to limit me, limit my choices. Even little every day things. For example, I used to drink every Friday night. Not much but normally 2 or 3 drinks. One drink is enough for me to become instantly lethargic, my desire to do anything fades like a tropical mist. So 2 or 3 and I'm really inert.

So now on Friday nights, after my standard homemade pizza with my Dad, I think to myself, 'Oh, I might do a load of washing now' or 'I might read my new book I'm really into' or any number of things. This doesn't really sound like much and a lot of you may be thinking, what's so great about washing your clothes on a Friday night, but its more about a change in thinking, an opening up to life, of not accepting self-imposed limits.

I'm in Fiji at the moment on Day 1 of a writer's course. It's been amazing so far already. I love hearing people's stories. Everyone has this desire to tell stories whether they are based on fact or not. It's just fascinating. They are mostly middle-age women, apart from one older man. But they are a ripe and rowdy lot, and as you can imagine with a bunch of writers, our conversations go off on creative tangents with no holes barred.

So far I've navigated the cocktails and beer at the bar. And the complimentary wine with dinner. I've resisted but the funny thing is I have no desire to drink. The only desire to drink would be due to a desire to cure my social anxiety but now that we have had a morning writing session together, I now feel a lot more comfortable with everyone.

This week is gonna be amazing. Good things are coming, I can feel it. And it all started with choosing life.

Insane Epiphany

Today I decided to give up alcohol. Forever. I mean like actually forever. Never gonna have another drink again.

I hope I can do it for real.

I thought about it and it's like this. I'm 33 and a half. I'm single. The weight I lost doing boot camp last year has almost all come back on in the space of a few months. From stress eating and binge drinking, I might add. I've become the fat, drunk, single 30-something woman that I used to feel sorry for in my early twenties.

I don't wanna be that person.

I figure if I stop drinking I'll be healthier, maintain my weight, have more energy to do the stuff I want to in life and not let hangovers be my excuse. Hey, I might even have more self-respect and attract a partner...

Plus I'm a total douchebag when I drink.

Well not always I guess. It's not like I get drunk every time I drink. I know how to stop after one or two drinks at a restaurant or at a friend's house before driving home.

I'm talking about the times when I have no little pre-emptive pep-talk with myself. The times when I have an empty stomach and I down a couple of drinks in quick succession, and I'm off and racing.

I blackout. Hardcore. Sometimes I think it must be a little bit like split personality disorder because I have had whole evenings where I recall nothing after a certain point. I wake up and I'm blank. It makes for a good story sometimes but I'm getting too old for this shit.

And sometimes I get nasty. Become aggressive. Say horrible things that I don't mean to my loved ones.

And I think smoking is a really awesome idea when I drink. And insincere men. Love insincere men when I'm drunk.

I need to be exorcised. Get rid of this demon who has lurked within since I can remember. There must be a better way of dealing with stress, with sadness, with anger.

I have already done the soul-searching and found what I need in my life to keep me balanced. Meditation, exercise, laughter, friendship, love, writing, music, coffee, good food, movies, my family. All those things are just as good without alcohol, aren't they?

The light is at the end of the tunnel. I need to choose life.

Mostly Monday

First day back at work today. I was kind of glad to return. I needed my routine back, even though I convince myself that work takes up too much time and limits me from what I really want to be doing, somehow the structure of the working week makes you want to achieve more in your spare time.

So today was mostly Monday. Not a normal work Monday cos I still had my slow moving holiday buzz. I wonder how long it will take for me to speed up to CBD life again...

I weighed myself this morning. I was nervous worrying that I had put on weight over the break but luckily I still weigh the same. 67kg. I've put on 4kg since I moved back with my parents, so you can guess what one of my resolutions is.

And I ate pretty healthy today too. I got up at 5.30am for boot camp and ate half a banana before and after training. I've found lately that the sessions are so intense that I feel sick if I have an empty tummy. Then I ate healthy all day long apart from my after dinner snack. I finished off a wedge of dry panettone. I bloody love that Italian cake. Sometimes I think I was Italian in a past life because I just resonate with the cuisine so much.

Ok, I'm just writing shit now, so I'm going to bed.

Toodaloo.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Today is my last day of my holidays. I finally pulled my finger out and actually went and packed up more of my flat. My aim was to have it done by the end of the holidays but seeing as I wasn't actually 100% certain until a few days ago, that I was going to move in permanently with Dad and rent out my flat, I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

I unpacked loads of my stuff in my bedroom and it's looking pretty good actually. This room has changed so many times since we first moved into this house when I was 17. It started with a single bed, then a King, now a Queen. It's housed a huge executive desk when I was a teenager and dreaming of being someone's boss. It's been full of my sister's furniture when she was renovating her house. Foreigners have slept here. All four of my past boyfriends have kissed me in this room. If these walls could talk ;)

Anyway, its nice being back in it. I have always been comfortable in this house. It's Edwardian and rundown but its quirky. My cat, Bass, loves the long wooden hallway to skitz out on, skidding round doorways and chasing invisible mice. He has almost made friends with my parent's cat, Cleo - she is old and battle-worn so it has been a slow process but they have done friendly sniffs a couple of times now. Although I think Bass would rather sneak up behind Cleo and sniff her date.

...

It's now almost midnight and I'm about to turn into a pumpkin. Just got off FaceTime from talking with my best UK mate. It's always so great to catch up and we piss ourselves laughing at each other. I am gonna go visit her in August this year and we are gonna do a road trip to France!

Bon nuit mon chéri :)

Chillin' Indoors

Today was another good day. I'm liking 2013 so far ;) Well maybe being off work has something to do with it. It's funny how it always takes a good week to unwind when you're on holidays.

Today Dad and I put the Ikea furniture together. When I say Dad and I, it was more like Dad put all the big pieces together and I put the little side table together. But I did other stuff too. I went through the pantry and threw out old flour and organised all the cupboards. It looks great now. Dad is under strict instructions not to move a single can out of place. Hehee :)

I visited Mum today too. She was a lot better than when I last saw her. Today she could have a bit of a laugh and wanted to know how the rest of the family are doing. It was nice to see her feeling better, even if it is a fleeting mood.

I'm sorry I don't really have anything interesting to write today. Think I better go write my New Year Resolutions. I absolutely love writing them each year! For me it's more about goal-setting rather than admonishing myself for all my bad behaviour. I believe in positive reinforcement!

Here is my amazing side table (that I put together all by myself...calmly with no expletives!)

Day 2 of the New Year

Welcome to the second day of the New Year! I'm feeling more positive today. I instantly felt better after my post yesterday, it's funny that when you feel like shit you often forget or resist doing the things that make you feel better. In my case that's writing or exercise or meditation.

Anyway, woke up this morning and went for a bike ride with my bestie. We cycled to Penny Farthing in Northcote cos our fav coffee shop in Kew has been closed since Xmas Eve. This has affected our daily routine to no end. Yes folks, we are addicted to quality coffee but I guess that just comes with being a Melburnian.

After that I pottered around home and tried to sort my shit out. I basically moved everything off the floor and onto my bed, before deciding that what I really needed was more storage. So against my better judgement, I hotfooted it down to Ikea in Richmond. I dragged my Dad with me and loaded up my trolley with 'Billy' this and 'Luftberg' that.

Right now I'm guzzling a Cooper Pale Ale and contemplating organising my life a little bit more. Got four more days of holidays before I'm back at work, better pull my finger out toot sweet!

Lizz ox

Crossroads

So I guess the first of January is a good a time as any to reinvigorate my blogging. I'm stuck at a crossroads. Don't know in which direction I'm headed right now. I have goals but they seem so far away when my life is on hold.

I moved back home with my parents in August last year. Not because I was broke or jobless but because my Mum hasn't been well. She has many health problems which has meant that she needs constant care from my Dad and he was starting to become overwhelmed. So I swooped in to save the day.

Only I couldn't save the day. I crumbled under the pressure. I became stressed out, working full-time, then coming home to pick up the pieces after Mum's daily meltdowns. I became more and more dysfunctional. Living in a disorganised, messy house amongst Mum's boxes of goods and chattels, losing myself in the chaos. My normal orderly routine fell to shit. No longer paying bills on time, withdrawing from friends, all I did was work and look after Mum.

Well almost. I had one saving grace. Bootcamp. Thank fuck for boot camp. Three sparrow's fart sessions a week got me through 2012. I went religiously from March all the way through to December. Classes have stopped for 3 weeks over the Xmas period but my boot campees and I have still been doing it by ourselves, with our trainer's voice ringing in our ears as if he was there:

"You got this, Lizz. Keep going. Ten, nine, eight..."

I would have gone insane if it wasn't for boot camp. And my best friend. And meditation. And Zoloft. And massages once a month. And good coffee.

So that's what I'm thankful for in 2012. And a supportive family who have all banded together to help Mum and work out what is in her best interests. It's been a hard bumpy road and it's not over but thank you to all my saving graces.

Lizz ox