I hope I can do it for real.
I thought about it and it's like this. I'm 33 and a half. I'm single. The weight I lost doing boot camp last year has almost all come back on in the space of a few months. From stress eating and binge drinking, I might add. I've become the fat, drunk, single 30-something woman that I used to feel sorry for in my early twenties.
I don't wanna be that person.
I figure if I stop drinking I'll be healthier, maintain my weight, have more energy to do the stuff I want to in life and not let hangovers be my excuse. Hey, I might even have more self-respect and attract a partner...
Plus I'm a total douchebag when I drink.
Well not always I guess. It's not like I get drunk every time I drink. I know how to stop after one or two drinks at a restaurant or at a friend's house before driving home.
I'm talking about the times when I have no little pre-emptive pep-talk with myself. The times when I have an empty stomach and I down a couple of drinks in quick succession, and I'm off and racing.
I blackout. Hardcore. Sometimes I think it must be a little bit like split personality disorder because I have had whole evenings where I recall nothing after a certain point. I wake up and I'm blank. It makes for a good story sometimes but I'm getting too old for this shit.
And sometimes I get nasty. Become aggressive. Say horrible things that I don't mean to my loved ones.
And I think smoking is a really awesome idea when I drink. And insincere men. Love insincere men when I'm drunk.
I need to be exorcised. Get rid of this demon who has lurked within since I can remember. There must be a better way of dealing with stress, with sadness, with anger.
I have already done the soul-searching and found what I need in my life to keep me balanced. Meditation, exercise, laughter, friendship, love, writing, music, coffee, good food, movies, my family. All those things are just as good without alcohol, aren't they?
The light is at the end of the tunnel. I need to choose life.
