Must Be Winning

Woke up this morning feeling pretty shit. I've been battling low-level anxiety all week. We are going through a restructure at work and we all have to apply for our own jobs, plus several more in case we don't get our own job. I'm in a better position than most as I'm on a fixed-term contract that ends in January and would be leaving then anyway, and now I have the opportunity to go permanent if I'm successful. However for some reason it feels as stressful for me as it does for people that are permanent staff members.
Anyway, that aside, I've had anxiety all week. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time. And maybe you might ask, why hide it? Well, I guess because it feels like the more attention I give it, the bigger it gets. I don't know if that's true or not though. Maybe that's part of the mind-fuck of this illness. I guess I normally ignore it and after a few days, it's grown like a fungus anyway, threatening to overtake me and wind it's way around my legs like the thick roots of a tree till I can't walk a step further...I confess, it also makes me a bit dramatic ;)
So today I dragged myself out of bed. I didn't want to get up. My first thought of the day was 'there's nothing good about today.' It didn't matter that it was Friday and tomorrow is the weekend. It didn't matter that it was sunny outside. My second thought as I heaved myself out of bed, and watched my reflection in the mirrored wardrobe was 'I'm so fat and there's nothing I can do about it.' So as you can see, the day was getting off to a great start.
It sounds like I'm depressed doesn't it? But I'm not. Anxiety is different. You feel flat, depleted of energy, lethargic but there is still brightness you can clutch hold of if you want to, unlike depression which cruelly gives you no out.

My brightness today was:
1) - my little cat had snuggled his way under the doona while I was sleeping and when I got out of bed, he stretched out his little paw at me. All I could see was his grey arm, the rest of his body was obscured by the doona.

2) - my gorgeous boyfriend saying good morning and hugging me in a warm embrace as he does every morning (but it never gets old.)

3) - eating my breakfast in the sun on the couch and really enjoying the texture and flavour of the gluten-free muesli...no I'm not being sarcastic - it's actually really nice! (And no I'm not a glutard but I have started eaten some gluten-free things as it aids my digestion.)

So I'd managed to get up, shower and have breakfast but now I was debating with myself about whether to ride to work. I have started cycling to work on occasion but I fell off my bike last week and although I'm now a proud owner of a really cool, disgusting scraped knee, it has knocked my confidence around a bit. So feeling anxious already and fatigued, I wasn't sure if riding to work was a great idea.

But I did. Why? Because I got out of bed and that was a victory. And because three little things had
brightened my morning, it was enough to tip me over the edge of my indecision and convince me that riding was a good idea.

And how am I now? Still a little anxious, there's a general unease and I have to push myself to be bright and perky around my colleagues but the sun is shining, and I must have got a few endorphins from the exercise, so on that basis, I conclude that today...I must be winning.