2014 Australian Women Writers Challenge

This year I pledge to read and review at least four books written by female Aussie authors. This puts me in the Stella category.

Check out the website here for more info or to join yourself.

Sober As A Judge

Happy New Year everybody!

I love this time of year. I love making New Year resolutions and all the promise of potential that the New Year holds. And going into 2014 is particularly exciting for me as I embark on a new chapter with my amazing man.

And I have finalised my contract with alcohol, deciding to give it up entirely. Although it's hard to comprehend NEVER drinking again, I think it's the only way to keep my sanity intact.

Recent festivities have reminded me of why I decided to stop drinking in the first place. The two main reasons are:

1 - I'm a bit of a douchebag when I drink
2 - My anxiety skyrockets in the days following drinking

I probably didn't emphasise the second point enough in previous posts but alcohol relaxes me in the short-term and then increases my anxiety following a drinking session. And the amount I drink doesn't really matter because I can't avoid feeling anxious by limiting my consumption. For example, I can have a couple of drinks and feel shit for two or three days, or drink a truckload and be anxious for the next seven days.

So I decided a few weeks ago to stop drinking again and I have just experienced my first sober Christmas and New Year's Eve since I was a teenager. And on the whole, it was no big deal. Christmas was a bit hard because let's face it, Christmas is a stressful occasion. Family dynamics, emotions and lots of red wine consumed by your loved ones, can make things a bit tense. And when you can't have a drink yourself to take the edge off, its hard to relax and enjoy the day. But I resisted the urge to drink.

And last night was New Year's Eve. Which was a lot easier than Christmas Day. My boyfriend and I spent the night at my sister and bro-in-law's place. It was a very tame night. We had a BBQ and managed to keep awake till midnight to watch the crappy ABC countdown. My sister (who is also a non-drinker) and I got stuck into a variety of non-alcoholic beverages including soda water with lime, blood orange mineral water and bitter lemonade. Scrumptious!

So now I'm proud to say that I'll be sailing into the New Year as a confident sobertarian. Awake, aware, switched on and still up for a good time... if the company is right.

Back on the Horse

So I lasted 9 months and 1 day without drinking. The first 9 months were easy. The last 24 hours were agony. All of a sudden, on Melbourne Cup Day, I just really wanted a drink.

There may be a few reasons for this but the one I like to focus on, is that I'm happy. I met a boy. A wonderful, amazing, caring, smart, sexy man. And my desire to drink, to socialise, to have a beer or a wine just because I feel like it, returned.

And as my sexy man said to me, "You're just changing your relationship with alcohol". Did I mention that he is wise too? This statement is so correct. When I stopped drinking earlier this year, it was through shame. Shame at my behaviour when drunk, shame at the self-inflicted abuse of my body, shame at my self-destructive patterns that I carried all through my twenties (and allowed me to nurture a melancholy safety-net of negative self-talk that I would never be good enough to follow my dreams.)

And this shame made me scared to ever have another drink again. After I stopped drinking, I had dreams every night for months on end, that I got drunk either intentionally, accidentally or I was drugged by someone else. And each time I woke up, I was sooo relieved that I hadn't had a drink. I had a fear, a phobia almost, about what would happen if I drank. Not so much about losing control but more about being disappointed in myself. About regret and not living up to my own high standards, even though I couldn't really articulate what they were.

But on Cup Day, that fear took a backseat, when all of a sudden at my brothers house, nervous and happy after introducing my family to my beautiful boy, I decided to have a drink. To calm my nerves. To celebrate. To relax. To socialise. To live a little.

I drank lots of water. I only drank a little bit because I was driving anyway. And I felt great. So happy. And the next day, not a skerrick of a hangover.

Fast forward to last Saturday night. Celebrating my friend's 40th birthday, I had a few drinks. Not many. Two beers and four modest glasses of red wine. Again, I drank quite a lot of water. But for the next two days I had a hangover. That red wine in your veins, heavy limbed, dull headache and general blah feeling. After hardly drinking anything and eating a big wedge of pork belly for dinner! Surely the pig blubber would've soaked up any nasty hangover-producing molecules!

So that's where I'm at now friends. Two drinking experiences under my belt, one positive, the other less so and a gorgeous new boyfriend who helps me to articulate what I'm feeling. And now, with no sense of shame or fear, I know that I am merely drawing up a new contract with booze. A pre-nup if you will. For the first time in my life, I am renegotiating my relationship with alcohol in a refreshingly sober fashion.

Why I Write

I write because I need to put words on the page. Because it is the truest form of expression for me. When I write, I can confidently articulate exactly what I want to say. Some people say that if they had to make a choice between reading or writing, they would pick reading. But although I have a thirst for knowledge that drives me constantly, I would chose writing. Not because I think that I have anything particularly interesting or important to say but if I didn't let myself write when I got the burning desire, I would go insane. Die a thousand deaths. Drink myself to oblivion. End up in a psych ward. Lie in the gutter, mumbling incomprehensible sentences at the people stepping over me. I write because it's the only thing that makes life have purpose for me. It is my spiritual path and now that my soul has aligned with it, there's no turning back.

It's Been Awhile...

Blogging is an interesting beast. A bit like Facebook, I only tend to publish my thoughts online when I'm feeling positive or if not positive, at least objective about my state of mind.

Hence, it's been awhile since my last post but since it's now October and I totally skipped August and September, I thought I better check into cyberspace and blog to all the unknown readers out there...

So I'm currently unemployed (week 3 of being a bum) and I have to admit - I'm loving it! It's just soooooo nice to take it easy for a change. I woke up this morning (just before 9am, sorry I have to rub it in!) and my first thought was, thank god I don't have a job to go to today. I'm not sure if this is a bad sign? Could I possibly turn into a dole bludger? Or a nicer term unpublished author? It sounds so good doesn't it?

Anyway, I started off my work hiatus with a trip to Vanuatu a couple of weeks ago. It was a lovely, last-minute holiday. I was invited by one of my writer buddies (who I met in Fiji earlier this year.) She is a very generous, welcoming lady and seeing me at a loose end after finishing my banking job (woohoo! did I mention WOOHOO!), she invited me along to gatecrash her south pacific holiday along with her husband and some of her old high school friends.

They were an entertaining bunch and knew how to party, free from the shackles of their teenage offspring. Beer o'clock came around early each day, as it tends to on holiday, and it wasn't long before they were including me in their 'in-jokes'. After slapping loudly down the stairs one day in my thongs, I was nicknamed 'slapper' from then on in!

Port Vila (Vanuatu) has some magnificent scenery. Beautiful crystal clear lagoons, waterfalls, bays and beaches. It really is paradise on earth. The group had already been to Vanuatu a couple of years ago and they were amazed at how much progress has been made with building and infrastructure. A lot of foreign aid has been put to good use in Port Vila, with new smooth roads being donated by America. Also, alot of young people are seizing the opportunity to travel to Australia and do some agricultural work in Northern Queensland, signing contracts for 5 years of guaranteed work. 

We had a great driver, Mac (or Mike or Mark, we couldn't quite work it out with his accent!) who showed us around the island, introduced us to his new bride and told us about his plans to travel to Australia next year for fruit-picking. Mac is 23 and his new bride Sylvie is 21 and they are both signed up to a 5 year contract, consisting of 5 months hard labour, 2 months off to go home to Port Vila, then 5 months on again. For each 5 month stint, they will earn AUD$20,000 which is a hell of a lot of money to them. If they work hard and save all their money, they will make $200,000 by the end of 5 years, and then be ready to build a house and start a family.

Vanuatu is a kaleidoscope of beauty as I said, but flip a coin and you will see what appears to be extreme poverty. Most roads are full of potholes, mangy stray dogs litter the streets and the cost of food and groceries is very expensive. The only reasonably priced commodity seems to be the public transport, in particular the bus service. In Port Vila, buses are normally minivans that are identified by the letter B in the number plate and taxis can be cars or vans, identified by the letter T.

The standard bus fare is 150 Vatu or AUD$1.50 to get around the city centre and buses run all day until around 10pm or so. You don't have to wait at a bus stop (there aren't any) and there is no timetable to follow. You simply stand on the street and wave down a bus, the same as you would with a taxi. If the bus has room, it will stop and pick you up to take you wherever you want to go. This makes getting around very affordable and convenient, whether you are a local or a tourist.

Tourism is the biggest money earner in Vanuatu. The locals are very accommodating, friendly and polite. You get the feeling that the tourist is king in Vanuatu. For example, they sell fireworks in their bargain shops, however it is illegal for Vanuatuans to set them off. But it's fine for tourists to do this. I wonder how these double-standards make the locals feel behind their courteous smiles...

Well I better get off to bed now. I have a 6am yoga class in the morning. I've decided to have a productive day tomorrow for a change! Adios amigos!!!

Words In Winter Festival

Hi peeps! I am very excited to announce that I will be part of the amazing Words in Winter festival this year.

I will be doing a 'edgy' reading at 9.30pm on Saturday 9th August at the Rex in Daylesford, along with some very talented emerging writers.

Check out this link and hope to see you there!

The Kissing Disease

That's right folks. You guessed it. I have glandular fever.

The sad part is that I ain't been kissin' nobody 'cept my purdy twin nieces.

After 12 months of boot camp and general good health, I now have glandular fever, anaemia and a vitamin D deficiency.

I guess this is the universe's way of telling me to stop procrastinating with extracurricular activities, stay indoors and bloody well write!

Ideally I'd take some time of work to rest but I have no sick leave left, cos I kept getting 'colds' for the last few months and taking off a couple of days here and there.

Oh well, I'll just slash and burn my social calendar for a little while...except for something very exciting that I have coming up next month. It deserves a separate post though, so I'll sign off for now.